prayer amidst covid-19

"On that day, as evening drew on, he said to them,'Let us cross to the other side.' Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?' He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Be still!' The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, 'Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?' They were filled with great awe and said to one another, 'Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?'" (Mark 5:35-41)

A schedule is something that I cling to. Structure and routine are sources of comfort. I had finally returned home to the Father, and He tenderly held me in His embrace. He so patiently waited for me, and in the journey back to Him, He healed wounds that I so diligently tried to keep from Him until He finally and beautifully made His way into every single crevice of my heart, making me unbroken. I found that His love is greater than any, for He loves even the parts of me that I am most ashamed of. My life must be devoted to growing closer to Him, praying that I might be able to continuously fall in love with Him for the rest of my life.

I found a community, a home with the students at the UCC. I spent the days of my spring semester with my head held high, smiling at strangers and thanking Jesus aloud! As Lent crept closer, my anticipation only increased. I longed for a season dedicated solely to devotion and sacrifice for The Beloved, for my faith was in a place that it had never been before. I felt Him calling me closer to His heart in this season, and although I could have no expectations for the fruits of this time, my heart jumped for joy as the days until Ash Wednesday passed by.

The day had come, and before I knew it ashes marked my forehead. Again, a routine began to form itself. I started a holy hour unintentionally, for my resolution during this season would be to spend time with the Body of Christ in Eucharistic adoration daily. Even then, the feeling of this season was almost fleeting. I would sit in adoration on Thursday nights, and my mind would inevitably wander. My heart would beat so hard that I felt it resonate throughout my body to the point that it concerned me. Suddenly, spring break rolled in, a pandemic swept the world, and I packed expecting the university to send us home indefinitely. So what now?

I was home, and although I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to spend time with my family and boyfriend, I was concerned. Concerned for my prayer life and even more so for the state of the world, and I still am. I could no longer walk to a building that wore the hats of study space, relaxation corner, church, and adoration chapel all at once. As soon as I got home, I went to adoration and daily mass whenever I could, but the churches soon closed to promote public safety. I turned to my backyard and tried to take advantage of the beautiful 70 degree weather by laying a blanket down, opening up virtual adoration on my computer, and having a nice conversation with God.

My consistency soon went out the window. School ended, routine was difficult, confinement took its toll, and I was afraid. I have no point of breakthrough or epiphany to share with you today because even now I struggle and fall and get discouraged and don't know where to turn; however, I can share with you some things that have kept me going during this time:

1. my own littleness: I have and continue to realize that I am extremely incapable of doing things on my own. When you pray for humility, Christ definitely delivers. I am in no way equipped to take on the world by myself. Although this is painful to continuously realize, how could this not be a great blessing? Think back on the times that you have turned to Christ for strength. I don't know about you, but it was in those times that I have felt the most able to be His light. God does not have any hands and feet but ours. Growing in faithful maturity does not mean you have undergone a process of preparation and are now equipped to do things on your own. It means quite the opposite actually. It is the realization that your dependency on Christ must only grow, because who else could you turn to? Where else could I go? I recently wrote down all my fears, anxieties, and insecurities in my journal. It brought me such sorrow to see how little I think of myself, but Christ spoke into every single one of my wounds and beckoned me to hide in His. The Lord shows me time and time again that He is kinder to me than I am to myself, and to me, that is a blessing because it is this very reality that invites me to walk with Him and grow.

2. gratitude, joy, and a sense of humor: Even though it seems like our world is broken, we must remember that there is still hope. Hope in a risen savior who does not exist in the "maybe" but in the "definite." He is the way, the truth, and the life. That is possibly the best news that I have ever heard. I was once told that Catholics are called to be optimistic because we already know who has won the battle (spoiler alert: it's Jesus!). Look to the saints! The Holy Spirit has put a beautiful joy in their hearts! Who couldn't be so joyful when united to their bridegroom! In a book that I just finished reading, Pope Francis can be quoted saying, "We receive so much from the Lord for our enjoyment, that sadness can be a sign of ingratitude. We can get so caught up in ourselves that we are unable to recognize God's gifts." Life can be difficult sometimes, for some more than others, but this reminds me that laughter is a gift. Jesus wants to see our smile, so why not show it to Him?

3. virtual fellowship: Bible studies and life groups and sorority meetings and retreats and prayer services and Thursday adorations were a huge part of my first year experience. It is truly incredible to witness and hear how God is working in the lives of others! This privilege was thankfully not stripped away once we were sent home! Zoom calls probably occupy about a quarter of my week, and I absolutely love it! I get to see the beautiful faces of my friends and hear how the Holy Spirit that dwells within them inspires wondrous things. They constantly inspire me to be better, to seek God in different ways, and to love with all of my heart.

4. a longing for Christ: I miss the Eucharist, I miss Eucharistic adoration, I miss the sacraments, and I miss Sunday mass. The opening of churches in my area is strictly limited, and I know this is not the case for everyone reading this. I long for Jesus, who is fully present in the Eucharist. This realization did not come to fruition until I received the opportunity to attend adoration at an adjacent New Mexico church. It was kneeling in front of You with tears streaming down my cheeks that I realized how incredibly and deeply in love I am with You, Lord. I know my love for you is not perfect, but Yours definitely is. What better teacher is there than You? My respect and love for the opportunity to receive Christ everyday is no longer taken lightly. The ability to receive the Eucharist is not a given but rather an immense privilege. I know that now.

5. Mary: The Blessed Mother has been searching for a place to rest her gentle hand in my life recently. My relationship with her has been difficult for me to discern throughout these past few months, but with hindsight, I can see the small ways in which she has been speaking to me. On daily walks around my neighborhood, I pass by a neighbor’s shrine devoted to her and am convicted to love more fervently. I find myself praying for her intercession in times of serious heartache and asking her to open my heart to the voice of her Son. She praises God for the benefit of her children. She is comforting and humble and gentle and compassionate. She crushes the head of the serpent and is our model and guide for how we can do the same. She is fierce and fearless, for God is at her side. How can we better turn to Mary in our prayer? How is she speaking to you in this very moment?

6. books: I cannot rave enough about the books and devotionals that I have read during this time! What an enormous blessing they have been! Rather than going on and on about each one, I will leave a short list of some that I have read or am currently reading here: Here, Too: Where We Meet God - BIS Lent 2020; Risen: 50 Ways To Live Easter (Blessed Is She); Made for Love: Same-Sex Attractions and the Catholic Church (Fr. Michael Schmitz); Gaudete Et Exsultate: On the Call to Holiness in Today's World (Pope Francis); Time for God (Fr. Jacques Philippe); Story of a Soul: The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux; 33 Days to Merciful Love: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Consecration to Divine Mercy (Fr. Michael E. Gaitley).

7. 7. salvation isn't a one man job: God created us without us, but He won't save us without us. God is a gentleman, he knocks before. It's up to you to open the door. I'm not perfect, but I know that it's up to me to take the next step. This is not a one and done deal, but rather continuous choices in everyday life. I fail at this so many times, yet He calls us to His heart. Always. Are you going to open the door today?

8. love: Love is something that comes up often in prayer for me. I ask for Christ, who suffered on the cross for love of us and His Father, to teach me how to love. I am consistently drawn to and pray with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 because it is so beautifully countercultural to the narrative of love that the world portrays. I have come to realize that the act and existence of love has more depth than I understand. I'm excited to see how God shows me how much He loves me everyday, how He teaches me to love, how I can show my love for Him, and how He opens my eyes and heart to love others.

It has been well over three months since I began writing this, and oh what a journey it has been! Looking back on the verse that opened this post, I am reminded of the time spent in prayer the same day that Pope Francis gave the Urbi et orbi blessing. I was praying in my late grandmother's bedroom, and I felt compelled to open the Bible that she had left on her dresser. A red ribbon cascaded down the back end of the book. I opened to the page that it rested on, and was drawn to the exact same passage Pope Francis spoke of that morning. Tears fell down my cheeks as I realized the question I had been asking Christ up to that point, "Do you not care that we are perishing?" Peace overcame me as I felt Him ask me, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?"

Times are very difficult right now. Often times, it seems like the world is spiraling. I in no way have a grasp on what I am doing or what is going on, but I know someone who does. Someone who is at peace, who sleeps at the stern when a storm rages around Him. Someone who controls the winds and the sea, who quiets the chaos. And Someone who asks us everyday why we are afraid. Surrender, have faith, and allow Him to calm the storm, because there is truly no one else who can.

("do small things with great love" -mother teresa ♡)